18 January, 2025

Why did my mom buy mint pussy soap? We have mint pussy soap in the house now. It doesn't sound like a big deal but do you UNDERSTAND, do you fucking UNDERSTAND what it's like to have a minty fresh pussy? You guys will never understand my pain 😭

I used to hate working out - now whenever I wake up, the very second or third thing I pay attention to is if my muscles are sore, and if they aren't, I feel like shit. I hate figuring out how to deal with my hair, because in the morning it's fine, then the second I step into school it becomes a mess. And this is not what I'm supposed to think about, this is not where my energy's supposed to go. Every single second I spend with my hands in my hair, is a second when they're not cutting through thick branches; every second I spend with my arms holding the diffuser, is a second when they're not lifting weights; and all of the little strength I have flows from my arms to my hair, and I am as frail as ever. I hate saturdays where I can't go out, and I hate sundays: I hate being housebound on the weekend. The house holds me down, it bites like a venomous snake, and I end up paralyzed in its coils (even if there would be a place for me out there on the hills). But maybe it's not so mindlessly cruel. Maybe it's that the house is old, kind at heart, a bit unstable and a bit selfish, and it doesn't understand how its touching me is wrong. That's something. I am still that child, I am the same, with the same hair, the same arms, the same strength, the same anger, the same tide wrecking my life. It feels like my attempts to grow are in vain, and all that I'm good for is the mindless pursuit of stimulation. Forever the same. I have to run around, keep my hands busy in some meaningless stuff, because if I stop I'll fall into that tide, those same waves that have been breaking my bones since forever. But there's no place at all for me in the house. The same house. I have never changed - will I ever? Oh, it's an impossible task: in order to not be the same child, I have to pay equal attention to my arms and to my hair. Will I ever - once I become an adult? I've wondered over and over when exactly one becomes an adult. This version of me suffering through a locked-in weekend has her own answer: it's when you move out of the house. It's as soon as you get out of the fucking house for good. All my dreams about my adulthood require that I'll be out of the house. It's something so obvious that I didn't even realize I had this implicit requirement. As long as I'm in the house, I'll always be a child, the same child.
The guy who made this house also made C's house. May he be cursed!

I am second place now. Whether I got pushed off of the first place by an arrogant force, or whether I deliberately and carefully got placed off of it, I am second place now. It's plain to see. This is not a complaint!!! It's a simple observation that allows me to take back the energy I'm currently giving to people who don't love me as much as I love them. I'm growing less and less bitter about my friends gravitating more towards my ex-friend, whatever the reason for that is, because it's certainly not due to a change in my behaviour. There's no point in feeling anything about it, then, since I can't control other people. It's simply about conserving my energy and putting it into the things that I CAN control that also matter. Lately I've been feeling very strongly the concept of investing in yourself, not wasting precious energy into people and places that don't deserve it. That sort of motivational """""it girl""""""" kinda stuff, even though I'm NOT an """""it girl"""""". me rn unironically
And anyways, high school will end! It simply will: it's inevitable. The End of High School is coming. I salute this great big monster that staggers closer and closer to me everyday; I don't celebrate nor mourn its arrival, I simply greet it with a bow, because the passing of time must be respected and can't be fought against, whether it brings good or bad things. Lately I'm not quite waiting, because I'm still doing stuff and trying to focus on the present - but it still kinda feels like when an outing with friends is over, everyone left, and you're waiting for your parents to pick you up, sitting on the sidewalk in the night. And you take in the calm and the night air. It kinda feels like that. With some mourning mixed in there too, but still, I'm mostly at peace, aware that a new phase of my life is coming. Aware, yeah.

I am also very proud of the fact that I stay away from porn, smoking and vaping, which are all very tempting to me/are things that I've had big or small problems with. I'll surely 100% relapse into porn because I always do, but I'll keep it a one-time thing, like always. (I HOPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) I'm just happy because of the fact that I try to stay away from them, and that I always try to keep myself as healthy as possible, physically and mentally.

I have MORE things to say about Melonpan. Incredible, I know, but overanalyzing is my love language, and this goes for anything that catches my eye and deserves my admiration: even if that something is Melonpan. I already had the idea that this man was an enigma, but I didn't comprehend just how much. Information about him is hard to come by for some reason, although he was very famous pre-youtube ban. The most information that can be gained about him comes from, of course, his own accounts. But 1) he's had his accounts banned on numerous platforms on numerous occasions, so his posts don't go that far in the past 2) most importantly: he's fucking with us. He's a showoff, and he obviously likes to make shit up to entertain himself, to bewilder people, to construct narratives about himself. Obvious examples are when he said he had an ex-wife named Kartoffel (potato). Aside from the blatant joke, this is actually a bit interesting because pre-youtube ban he addressed his cameraman/camerawoman as Kartoffel, in videos such as the notorious nazi otaku room tour; this person has been speculated to have been his girlfriend. AND, more or less around that same time, a woman appears in one of his tiktoks, helping him in skits and so on. I've never seen her in any recent posts. Maybe that's Kartoffel and she's, obviously not an ex-wife, but an ex-girlfriend or ex-friend. You know how they say myths have an underlying historical truth to them? Yeah, that could go for Melonpan mythology, too.

OR, I could also mention the extremely funny episode of April 2009 that I read about on a korean wiki. At that time, he apparently regretted his ways, and he said he wasn't going to be an otaku anymore. He posted some pictures of him "destroying" his anime figurines by sawing them with a knife or HITTING THEM WITH A HAMMER.... THAT SENT ME 😭 or throwing a whole body pillow in a trash bin, sitting upright. Then he came back to "normal" after two months. But I'm not really talking about obvious things like that. I mean the less obvious things that he throws around in his posts, that are impossible to prove or disprove. Starting from the little details: as I've already mentioned, it's near impossible to know who he's friends with, who he's fucking and who he was/is together with, and how these categories overlap. I've read some different opinions regarding who was/is his boyfriend/girlfriend- he even posted something about getting married, and it seemed to me like a blatant joke (because he said he was getting married to his sister, no less) but some claim he's really married. My theory is that he's a swinger? Like I've already said, the categories "friend-fuckbuddy-partner" are muddy and hard to make out (hehe, make out) looking at the people in his posts and how he interacts with them. First he's in the bathtub with a guy, then another person's recording his swinging balls, then he posts a selfie next to a woman in bed with the nighstand full of sex toys, and there are more graphic examples.

He wasn't like this before, this is his new era. Let me elaborate on that. I don't know much about Melonpan; as I've said, it's pretty hard to gain more info, and I haven't found any.... melonstorians taking notes about him and investigating about him (but by all means hmu if you are one, or know one). I was his fan when I was 10, yes, but I just watched his youtube videos, I didn't know shit about Melonpan lore. So, with my VERY limited knowledge about his online history, I've seen a distinction between two eras of his online persona. He's probably had many more eras, but again, I have limited knowledge and it's hard to gain more of it. Both personas being basically living stereotypes - not only the otaku stereotype, of course, but also the gay stereotype, in two of its iterations. (This is actually interesting, does anybody wanna write an university thesis that's like, The Sexual Politics Of Melonpan.) His first persona seemed to be based on the stereotype of the gay/bi man as an effeminate, shrieking, scrawny pervert loser. This is the era when he was famous, pre-youtube ban, and when he had short hair (that didn't suit him... sorry!). This is also when he was most over-the-top, with all the nazi uniforms, stag-beetle-demon-with-big-tits uniforms, dry humping body pillows while screaming bloody murder, etc etc. His second persona, the current one, seems to be based on the stereotype of the COOL older gay/bi man who's handsome, has an impeccable fashion sense, dances very well, has a lot of sex, is very flamboyant, goes to clubs, and does neurotoxic drugs. No seriously cause what is that can doing THERE, AT THE END OF THE VIDEO. MELON ARE YOU DOING NITROUS....... FUCKING NITROUS...... Also he has longer hair (that suits him). This "eras" thing may be bullshit but I do see a difference in the content he makes. In his earlier videos, he's always fucking shrieking like a banshee and humping stuff. Now he's a little more classy. For example, just compare this manic, hyperactive motherfucker jacking off his own sink and boiling and deepthroating his anime figurines to this distinguished man engaging in tomfoolery. Now Melonpan is CERTAINLY NOT normal, but he acts a bit less insane. Just a bit, and his madness is mostly coated by a thin layer of class.

By searching up "melonpan" "melonpan meidocafe" not much comes up. What I DID find, though, almost by pure chance, are two things involving him that are written on some not-very-serious "news"/pop culture sites. They are interesting, but as I will say, it's improbable that either of them really happened. The first thing, which got the most media coverage, is that he got fired from his bank job at UBS when they found out his social media presence; he then applied for a job at like, DHL and got fired on the first day for the same reason. This is of course the most interesting thing that's been said about him, but it's not very credible: this supposedly happened in 2018, and Melonpan has had this online persona since about, what... 2015??? His employer would have noticed sooner. He has recently made a video where he affirms he's still working as a banker: this doesn't make much sense, did they re-hire him? Also, he's had absolutely no economic trouble so far, he's always kept buying his usual shit. To me, this story seems like a joke. The most credible take I've heard is that this was a joke, and he never actually was a banker, but an accountant. Still making a shit ton of money, but never working at UBS. Shortly after this one story, another thing came out where he supposedly got 66 lbs of hentai confiscated by Swiss customs. This is a little more credible but still, it sounds absolutely ridiculous, and I don't think customs give a shit about hentai. The fact that this was just a few months after his "got fired 🤪🤪🤪🤪" story is weird, too. Melonpan's attention-seeking era?????

15 January, 2025

THIS IS NOT PROOFREAD BECAUSE IT'S REALLY LATE SORRY BYE

My neocities my neocities. You're my neocities say it to me. Hi neocitizens I've missed you I've kept my EYE on you. Nothing new has been going on; my FLAC collection is expanding along with my appreciation for a good listening experience. I'm STILL on the brink of relapse. I've tiptoed around the edges of the black hole, playfully, half expecting to fall in, half hoping to get out. Like victorlaszlo88 said, TITILLANDO L'ANO DI UNA TIGRE DELLA MALESIA CON UNA PIUMA!!!! I've come knocking on porn's door, singing paraclausithyra, not knowing how I would respond if he really let me in. Searching up risky things. Opening a site, closing it before seeing anything. I don't know, when/if I'll really relapse, if I'll be able to, like. Quit again. I've had this doubt lingering for a while now. It's weird because, yesterday tumblr put like, three porn images in a row on my fyp, completely at random. I felt my heart sink in my chest, yes, but I didn't do anything and I refreshed the page. What is my willpower, then? Is it strong, is it weak?

And I've kept thinking about adulthood. I keep trying to figure out what my life's gonna be like in the future, and most importantly what I am gonna be like. I do know it's useless and damaging to look at, and rely on the future instead of the present. It's because of the demands of adolescence that I mentioned, that seem tyrannical to someone as insecure as me; and because I can plainly see how many parts of my life are dead right now, stagnant waters waiting for their dam to be demolished in order to flow free. School, for example, like I mentioned; and my social life in this school, which hasn't progressed at all in the past months, and in fact has only gotten worse. Maybe it's, again, because I'm insecure, but I have this feeling that I'm not H's absolute favourite anymore. And he still is mine. And I watch my ex-friend from across the classroom giving him her usual patronizing smile, yelling for his attention, taking him along at recess. Yes, I do know that it's normal for him to have a new group and for him to not love me as much as he did before, but I can't help but miss the times when I had no reason at all to doubt that we were best friends, the best of best friends, PERIOD, not up for debate, unthinkable otherwise.
Whether it's really an illusion or not, our paths WILL separate in less than two years, so I'll have to say this prayer either way one time: classroom walls, badly painted school hallways, supermarkets and vending machines, keep the memory of me and my best friend together. Remember our jokes and our scribbles on each other's arms, remember our complaints and gossip, remember the plans we made and never carried out. You, my bus stop where I often sulk in his absence, remember how we hugged before leaving each other. You stairs that saw us chugging peach vodka while looking out for teachers and nonexistent cops, and especially you, the large fig, you Living Goddess, answer me: remember when we were each other's favourites, each other's only one? If there ever was such a time - and there was - keep the memory inside you, and remind me of it if you ever see me again. Fig, store it in the five new circles that your great trunk has gained, and stairs, keep the vodka stains on your concrete steps. And you, wall, I beg you, cling onto the scribbles that we made on you!
The only company I've gained in the past months is that of annoying, unpleasant people, like the girl from the bus incident back in August. Yes, she keeps latching onto me. Anyways, I know everyone in this school, and I need a new environment. I need a lot of new things... I need things to change, I need to change. What even am I right now? Am I ready? Am I strong, adaptable, enterprising enough? Can I be confident enough? Is my personality well-formed, developed enough? And if it isn't, what can I do right now to develop it more? I admit, I'm honestly pretty spoiled and sheltered. I haven't gone through as many harsh, formative experiences as some/many? of my peers. I don't even know how different we are in this regard. I am doubting myself in every facet of my being. Am I insecure, or am I simply right about my shortfalls? Was Keats' thrush right?

He who saddens
At thought of idleness cannot be idle,
And he's awake who thinks himself asleep.

Or is that simply wishful thinking? Whatever the answer to all these questions is, I can't help but hope and fear, fervently hope and fear for my adulthood, or whatever the age that will open itself to me in a few months is called. The question is always on me, me, me: who will I be? How do I become who I want to be? I need to change, I need to have wider horizons, I need to be more free. I need to do something meaningful with myself, I need to realize myself down to the deepest fibre of my being. Nearly every day, I painfully remind myself that there are only twelve full moons in a year. Only twelve. I've been observing the Moon's dance for about a year now, and have I ever spent the night celebrating her? No, but how can I? I don't have a car yet to drive myself to the mountain, to places where no one will see me dance like a maenad, grin in the shadows and fall asleep painted in red (oh, I remember a time when my period came at the same time as the full moon - I was in the kitchen and I made a tincture that knocked me on my ass!). Adult me HAS to do something on the full moons. I am stuck here! 2025's first full moon just came around - and what did I do?

I spent the evening making this Melonpan edit (AS A JOKE) that I already uploaded. Do you guys remember Melonpan? Melonpan Meidocafe? The guy who made Angry German Nazi Otaku Roomtour 2017? I liked his videos when I was like, 10. Recently I was on reddit and some old pictures of his popped up a couple times. I thought, hey, that's Melonpan, I wonder what he's up to. I looked him up, and I found out that his old channel got deleted, which, if you are acquainted with what kind of person he is and what kind of videos he made, was very predictable. But he has a new channel, and a whole social media presence outside of youtube in general. I've been doing a deep dive, and... I am in deep awe.
I didn't know my childhood youtuber had such a rich life. If you don't know who Melonpan is, I'll try to explain it to you, but I'll have a hard time doing so - because what isn't Melonpan. First and foremost, he is....... Come on, you should know this. Just watch his videos: he's this, this, this, and this is the bulk of his online presence. This is what he's built his online presence upon. All of his videos are like this. There are much worse examples. You get the gist, but you can explore more if you want. So, that is Melonpan. But he's also a 43-year old Swiss banker from Bern who has at least two sport cars. He has a lot of money and travels very often (mostly to Japan, of course) He has a vibrant social life, and he's often seen dining outside with a lot of different people; yes, somehow everyone puts up with his shit. His parents seem to support him and appear in some of his videos and photos (his father in particular likes anime too). He speaks at least three languages. He's openly bisexual, but his love life is pretty much a mystery, as he can be seen acting inappropriately with pretty much all of his friends, and for example he calls his sister his "wife" (because he's into incest). He has an absolutely incredible fashion sense and is absurdly photogenic, and also quite handsome with the right haircut! His house has been completely covered in anime merch since the year 2005, and he owns about 30kg of physical anime porn. He has a room dedicated to BDSM gear, including numerous suggestive outfits and one of those dog masks, and he owns multiple firearms. He frequently cosplays in public and brings his anime body pillows in public, even in front of children, and likes to play dead in the streets even if it gets the ambulance called on him. He has no qualms at all about recording and uploading any of this.

This all is Melonpan, but if I was forced to encapsulate the essence of this man in one word, I'd say that he's a monstrum. Monstrum is not the same as monster, as it doesn't have a negative connotation in and of itself: it derives from the verb mostrare, which means to show: the mostrum literally is something to be shown, to be looked at. But it is not a vulgar circus freakshow: the monstrum has dignity, it may be partly ridiculous, but it is also scary and awe-inspiring. It is the freak of nature, the sight of which inspires hilarity, fear and admiration all at the same time. And if Melonpan doesn't fit that description, there's no living being that does. My (ongoing) deep dive into Melonpan is bathing me in all of these feelings. I would like to precise that it's not an online persona. This is him and he's actually like this in real life, because I don't think a troll would turn his house into whatever the fuck that is, spend a shitton of money on body pillows and anime merch, and do all those things in public, for so many years. Melonpan is all that - and he's a showoff about it. Having gotten that out of the way, how can one not admire his transparency, his honesty, his sun-obscuring confidence? During my Melonpan deep dive I am being seized by the urgent desire to have at least a QUARTER of his confidence, out-of-the-closet-ness, whimsy, style, attitude, flamboyance, money, success. A QUARTER of his positive qualities would last me ten lifetimes. In a few days I have a Latin test, and I've been alternating between not studying, because I'm too busy doing the deep dive into Melonpan, and walking around the house loudly proclaiming Lucretius' verses, because I need to study hard in order to be successful like Melonpan. I absolutely hated leopard/animal print clothes in general - and now I want an exact copy of his most common outfit (the hot pink leopard/zebra one). I don't even fucking know.

Here are some of my favourite Melonpan moments, hand-picked:

Melonpan Karaoke: Melonpan at the karaoke.
Melonpan's "Tokyo Stag Beetle!": historical video from the old channel.
Melonpan becomes eldritch. This video is a sort of spiritual successor to peepee and "monsters make me hot" (especially to someone who doesn't have any previous knowledge of who Melonpan is). I mean, the uncanny humanoid creature moving erratically, the very bad video and audio quality, the wailing/singing, the creature's erratic movements which leave you wondering if it's sentient or not - like when it gets close to the camera in an apparently threatening way, but then it backs away again and bangs on its tits, a sort of animalistic behaviour that seems to point to the creature's lack of awareness of its surroundings....
(!!!) Melonpan wants your bad romance: I am obsessed with this in particular. (Nothing more characteristic and calming than a gay man dancing to Lady Gaga around strobe lights in his bathroom with a drink in hand.)
Melonpan's breakcore performance.
Melonpan fishing.
Melonpan camping.
Melonpan inviting us not to pay taxes.
Melonpan on the train.
Melonpan fucking some cheese up.
Melonpan during a moment of terminal lucidity and regret.

I have yet to finish the deep dive, there's his twitter account left. I've checked and it is absolutely fill to the brim with anime porn which is absolutely repulsive to me. I've watched porn from around the age of 9 (so quirky innit 🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪) and I've never jacked off to hentai, not a single time in my life. It's just so fucking ugly. I've scrolled far enough to see two pictures of him, one with an arrow up his ass (or pretending to have an arrow up his ass, but you never know with him) and another one where he's buttnaked in a hot tub reading hentai, and you can definitely catch a glimpse of his balls. I am very scared, but I have to be strong and finish what I started.

9 January, 2025

Here's to a long 2025 journal!!!

Me a month ago: "I'm gonna make my own candles and incense because I don't wanna burn and inhale commercial mystery chemicals" I JUST ORDERED SOME EUROPEAN ALTNOID BOOF CARTS LMAOOOOOOOOOOO

On the 26th of february I will turn 18. I'm having mixed feelings on that. I don't want to have a party, I think I'm gonna go for a long hike instead. I could go alone, or I could bring H with me since he likes the mountain. I just want to do something meditative. And girl have I been meditating on this. What will this birthday mean? I know that legally being an adult doesn't coincide with actually being an adult. So, what does "being an adult" really mean? I've heard the response that one is an adult when one acts like it. I don't know if I'll ever attain that. Lately I've spent a lot of time trying to pry into the life of Adult Me, that mysterious far-off woman in the distance. Do I trust her? Am I doing enough for her? Where does she work? Can she drive well? How does she get around? How does she handle money? Is she happy????? I'm trying to pry into all the minute secrets of her life, which, of course, isn't working. The only way to find out is to become her. When do I become her? Should I even want to? I just know that it'll happen soon. I'll be 18, then 19, then 20, then 21...... I'll be a grown ass woman. Woman: adult specimen of an apex predator, of one of the most intelligent species on the planet, and of the primary sex: created to think, make art, learn, explore, feel pleasure, enjoy life! What a honor... but am I fit for that standard? I'm generally very much a mess.
I know it's impossible for me to attain that, but I have a dream where I'm a woman who's sure of herself. Whether I'll be a smoker porn addict or a successful healthy person, I want to be a woman whose thoughts aren't weapons against her own self. I want to be a woman with a nice haircut, money in her bank account, muscles beneath her skin, confidence in her eyes, and peace in her mind. All the rest means so little to me.
But I'm trying not to think about it too much and just focus on the now, because I know I shouldn't hasten towards adulthood. I tend to do it because adolescence, although way more carefree, has its pressing demands, like conformity, which I'm really struggling with.

There's so much to do. Yesterday on the bus I learned that C's mother doesn't let her take proper painkillers for her period and I was INFURIATED. I went straight to her house to bring her a few and I was supposed to leave soon after, because there's a lot on my to-do list, but we laughed so hard and when I came back the half-moon was shining bright above my head. The town loves me, whether she greets me with rays of the light from her sky breaking into my house when I wake up from a nap, whether she lays out the usual routes in front of me, in darkness, but safe. The girdle of lights from towns in the distance was more colorful than usual, more orange, so crisp I could picture biting into it, and more bright yellow. I could still see the outline of the hills; inside they were a deep black (it seemed all so extraordinary to me, I don't know why), the black of Belladonna's fruit, of Datura's eyes. I stared at the girdle of lights before it disappeared behind my own hill. I came back at just the right time to hear a mother, parked outside my house, whose baby had just said "sì", and she was trying to get it to say it again. She cheered it on: sììì! sììì! I wanted to raise my arms in celebration. Oh blessed moment! One time there was some sort of talk on the tv about some edible wild plant, and I heard a guy who was being interviewed say: yes, in spring all the old ladies go out and forage it... I would have sprung away from the table, and onto my knees. That was an epiphany! I see my goddess in all women. My deity manifests herself in the lonely old woman down the street who invites me to play with her dog.

Not long ago, three songs took me by the pussy and demanded my full attention for some days. These songs are
Skin - Nothing But
Who Will Know from the Shin Godzilla OST
Faust'o - C'è un posto caldo
I'm writing them down because, starting from these three songs I fell in love with, I'm starting to kinda get back into my audiophile phase. It's not a kink, it's when you have really cool expensive headphones and cool equipment to listen to music, and you download heavy ass lossless music files. I had that phase in, like, 2022, and I still have my cool headphones and DAC from back then... so why not? I had completely forgotten about audiophilia, I had stopped giving a fuck somewhere along the way. But fuck..... IT'S WORTH IT!!! It's worth it to fill my phone with FLACs and to plug in this dorky looking dongle!!! It sounds so much better!!!

Guys, I want to come clean about something important. It won't be easy for me to say it, nor will it be for you to hear. I sincerely apologize, and I can only hope you find enough strength and compassion within your hearts to forgive and accept me in spite of my wrongdoings. Here I go. I have OCs. I'M SORRY 😭😭😭😭 I just needed to get it out in the world, because I've had them in my head since 2020 and I have literally NEVER spoken or written a word about them. But I have OCs. And I actually love them and I needed to say I have OCs. Should I tell you guys about my OCs actually. But the thing is that they AREN'T meant to be SPOKEN ABOUT, they're meant to be DRAWN. AND I CAN'T DRAW. I have always wanted to learn to draw, only to draw my shitty OCs. But I have never done so. I should probably start learning. I NEED to, because I can't keep them in my head for much longer...................

In the new Sae-ism chapter why is Tendo thinking about dead men while doing backshots? So we patched his heterosexuality in this update? It's over he's healed guys

To the song I loved in summer: how can you? Now that everything's changed, now that our sunny mountainside has been dimmed with clouds, now that the figs we saw parched have drank their fill of rain, now that the hair on my legs is covered by longer clothes, now that I languish from missing the sea I sang you to, how can you still be there, laid out in front of me still like this, unchanged? Don't you see how you break my heart with nostalgia?
And - incredible - you sing back to me "What happened? You ask me..."

Oh and also. I've been on the brink of relapse for some days, which is kinda cringe. Every night I think I'm gonna do it and I mentally berate myself for still being a worthless fucking pornbrain like I've always been. And then I. Don't do it and eventually fall asleep. But I do think it's possible that it'll happen. As awful as it may sound, I hardly put up any barricades against it. I preemptively make up excuses in my mind. I think: it's just my nature. And I suspect that when I eventually relapse, I won't even try to quit again. I won't stop again, I'll just get sucked back in. I am standing right at the edge of this black hole, dangerously close, and staring down into the void, not caring much about whether I get spaghettificated and thrown into oblivion or not. Just looking at the black hole and feeling this weird feeling of familiarity, like the black hole is my old friend, and knowing I wouldn't stand a chance, but thinking that perhaps I could have a friendly conversation with it since it knows me so well. It's strange.